There are Men too gentle to live among Wolves
My Easy God is Gone
I have lost my easy God- the one whose name I knew since childhood.
I knew his temper, his sullen outrage, his ritual forgiveness.
I knew the strength of his arm, the sound of his insistent voice.
His beard bristling, his lips full and red with moisture at the moustache,
his eyes clear and piercing, too blue to understand all,
his face too unwrinkled to feel my child's pain.
He was a good God-so he told me-a long suffering and manageable one.
I knelt at his feet and kissed them,
I felt the smooth countenance of his forgiveness.
I never told him how he frightened me,
how he followed me as a child when I played with friends
or begged for candy on Halloween.
He was a predictable God.
I was the unpredictable one.
He was unchanging, omnipotent, all seeing...
I was volatile and helpless.
He taught me to thank him for the concern which gave me no chance to breathe...
for the love which demanded only love in return- and obedience.
He made pain sensible and patience possible and the future foreseeable.
He, the mysterious, took all mystery away...corroded my imagination...
controlled the stars and would not let them speak for themselves.
Now he haunts me seldom: some fierce umbilical is broken.
I live with my own fragile hopes and sudden rising despair.
Now I do not weep for my sins, I have learned to love them
and to know that they are the wounds that make love real.
His face eludes me...his voice, with all its pity, does not ring in my ear.
His maxims memorized in boyhood do not make fruitless and pointless my experience.
I walk alone, but not so terrified as when he held my hand.
I do not splash in the blood of his son nor hear the crunch of nails or thorns piercing protesting flesh.
I am a boy again- I whose boyhood was turned to manhood in a brutal myth.
Now wine is only wine with drops that do not taste of blood.
The bread I eat has too much pride for transubstantiation.
I too...and together the bread and I embrace, each grateful to be what we are...
each loving from our own reality.
Now the bread is warm in my mouth and I am warm in its mouth as well.
Now my easy God is gone. He knew too much to be real.
He talked too much to listen. He knew my words before I spoke.
I knew his answers as well...computerized and turned to dogma.
His stamp was on my soul, his law locked cross-like on my heart.
His imperatives tattooed on my breast, his aloofness canonized in ritual.
Now he is gone...my easy stuffy God...
God: the father-master, the mother-whiner...
the dull, whoring God who offered love bought by an infants fear.
Now the world is mine with all its pain and warmth, with its ever color and sound.
The setting Sun is my priest with the ocean for its alter.
The rising Sun redeems me with the rolling waves warmed in its arms.
A dog barks and I weep to be alive.
A cat studies me and my joy is boundless.
I lie on the grass and boy-like, search the sky.
The clouds do not turn to angels, the winds do not whisper of heaven or hell.
Perhaps I have no God.
What does it matter?
I have beauty and joy and transcending loneliness.
I have the beginning of Love...as beautiful as it is feeble...as free as it is human.
I have the mountains that whisper secrets held before men could speak.
I have the ocean that belches life on the beach and caresses it in the sand.
I have a friend who smiles when he sees me, who weeps when he hears my pain.
I have a future full of surprises, a present full of wonder.
I have no past. The steps have disappeared, the wind has blown them away.
I stand in the heavens and on earth, I feel the breeze in my hair.
I can drink to the North Star and shout on a bar-stool.
I can feel the teeth of a hangover, the joy of laziness...
the flush of my own rudeness, the surge of my own ineptitude.
I can know my gentleness as well...my wonder, my nobility.
I sense the call of creation, I feel its swelling in my hands.
I can lust and love, eat and drink, sleep and rise...
but my easy god is gone, and in his stead
the mystery of loneliness and love.
With Cain
Come with Cain and Me East of Eden towards the sea
in desert lands called Nod where murderers live and lovers grown weary of Abel and his God.
The mark upon our face is sadness and horror is the color of our eyes.
We have seen sights too dark for sunlight, known pain unweepable by all the waters of the skies.
We are weary men...too mad for mothers to bear
too angry to suck soft breasts of flesh lest we bite them to be bathed in blood
and drink the redness sweet and fresh for thirst unquenchable in Adams wells.
We murdered for a fathers love...a trifling price for such a prize.
Now, cast from the gardens dullness, the honest wastes of Nod are Paradise
for men who took a brothers life to save their own.
He had no life to give...only dullness and duty with loins as empty as his face
and grinning lips that ate at a fathers table where appetite grows too stale to taste
ought but meat and wine of emptiness
and uttered words that lied like the eyes that laughed and only seemed to listen...
too stolid to hear anther's cries or even weeping.
Come with Cain and Me East of Eden towards the sea
in desert lands called Nod where murderers live and lovers grown weary of Abel and his God.
Abel, to weak to kill ought but the helpless animals in sacrifice,
his body too numb to know ought but the emptiness of a husbandman's life.
His passion planted like the corn and wheat
His love as lustless as a bleating lamb.
What life had he, this fair and docile man of no surprises?
too sweet to damn a soul to hell
too listless to hate the silent father whom he served with joy and comfort
and combed his greying hair content to work and whistle like a boy
unaware that his blood boiled and spirit burned
that his heart pulsed with pain to make love possible.
I am glad the pale wretch is slain
that once before he died he saw the blood that dripped from my aching hands
and washed the ground that he tilled and fed the corn of fertile lands
where hunger is only nourished
and bodies are only fed to fall in numbness like the animals made fat to die in dumbness.
Come with Cain and Me East of Eden towards the sea
in desert lands called Nod where murderers live and lovers grown weary of Abel and his God.
The lonely are here. They are kind.
Wandering men, but they are men strong enough to lift the weak and love them
silent enough to listen once again
when the lights of paradise beckon the broken hearts that only wanted a father
to whisper his love if but for a moment
to look at a child and reverently to gather him in arms that all the ages ached for.
The desert days are torrid but the waters are sweet.
There are palm trees to challenge the suns cruelness till shadows come at night to thrill the poet
and rest the wanderer in the quiet coolness of peace and passion
linked in a woman's arms strong enough to hold a mans heart,
gentle enough to touch the sadness on his face
wise enough to let him go apart to dream and wander.
There is silence in the land of Nod
and peace for lovers brave enough to kill.
Come beyond the garden of Abel and his God
where men not made for time lie still.
Freedom
Man does not want freedom...He only talks of it...
Satisfied to choose his slavery and to pay it homage
Freedom asks too much:
silence and strength
the death of empty alliances
...an end to ego baths.
Freedom confronts loneliness and lives with it...
makes more of larks than lust...builds no monuments to itself.
Freedom, content to live without goals, satisfied that living is enough,
scoffs at titles, laughs at greed...
too free to propose reforms.
Man does not want freedom.
He fears its demands
he only needs talk of it...
The free man has no such need.
But man can live without freedom
content to laugh at slavery
and to know today that yesterday's pain is gone.
To Love is not to possess...
With Cain
Come with Cain and Me East of Eden towards the sea
in desert lands called Nod where murderers live and lovers grown weary of Abel and his God.
The mark upon our face is sadness and horror is the color of our eyes.
We have seen sights too dark for sunlight, known pain unweepable by all the waters of the skies.
We are weary men...too mad for mothers to bear
too angry to suck soft breasts of flesh lest we bite them to be bathed in blood
and drink the redness sweet and fresh for thirst unquenchable in Adams wells.
We murdered for a fathers love...a trifling price for such a prize.
Now, cast from the gardens dullness, the honest wastes of Nod are Paradise
for men who took a brothers life to save their own.
He had no life to give...only dullness and duty with loins as empty as his face
and grinning lips that ate at a fathers table where appetite grows too stale to taste
ought but meat and wine of emptiness
and uttered words that lied like the eyes that laughed and only seemed to listen...
too stolid to hear anther's cries or even weeping.
Come with Cain and Me East of Eden towards the sea
in desert lands called Nod where murderers live and lovers grown weary of Abel and his God.
Abel, to weak to kill ought but the helpless animals in sacrifice,
his body too numb to know ought but the emptiness of a husbandman's life.
His passion planted like the corn and wheat
His love as lustless as a bleating lamb.
What life had he, this fair and docile man of no surprises?
too sweet to damn a soul to hell
too listless to hate the silent father whom he served with joy and comfort
and combed his greying hair content to work and whistle like a boy
unaware that his blood boiled and spirit burned
that his heart pulsed with pain to make love possible.
I am glad the pale wretch is slain
that once before he died he saw the blood that dripped from my aching hands
and washed the ground that he tilled and fed the corn of fertile lands
where hunger is only nourished
and bodies are only fed to fall in numbness like the animals made fat to die in dumbness.
Come with Cain and Me East of Eden towards the sea
in desert lands called Nod where murderers live and lovers grown weary of Abel and his God.
The lonely are here. They are kind.
Wandering men, but they are men strong enough to lift the weak and love them
silent enough to listen once again
when the lights of paradise beckon the broken hearts that only wanted a father
to whisper his love if but for a moment
to look at a child and reverently to gather him in arms that all the ages ached for.
The desert days are torrid but the waters are sweet.
There are palm trees to challenge the suns cruelness till shadows come at night to thrill the poet
and rest the wanderer in the quiet coolness of peace and passion
linked in a woman's arms strong enough to hold a mans heart,
gentle enough to touch the sadness on his face
wise enough to let him go apart to dream and wander.
There is silence in the land of Nod
and peace for lovers brave enough to kill.
Come beyond the garden of Abel and his God
where men not made for time lie still.
Freedom
Man does not want freedom...He only talks of it...
Satisfied to choose his slavery and to pay it homage
Freedom asks too much:
silence and strength
the death of empty alliances
...an end to ego baths.
Freedom confronts loneliness and lives with it...
makes more of larks than lust...builds no monuments to itself.
Freedom, content to live without goals, satisfied that living is enough,
scoffs at titles, laughs at greed...
too free to propose reforms.
Man does not want freedom.
He fears its demands
he only needs talk of it...
The free man has no such need.
But man can live without freedom
content to laugh at slavery
and to know today that yesterday's pain is gone.
To Love is not to possess...