I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in
the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And
the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you
to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special
place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to
live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are
women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance
in nature.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:
You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit
adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers,
judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense.
In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out
so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting
violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
“Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old
age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold
watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready
for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you
have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into
the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off
as an orgasm.”
“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
“I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.”
“I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently
I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
“I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people
who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere
along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.'
What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in
independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost.
Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say,
"We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if
it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and
join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you
you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.”
“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere,
someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over
there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the
universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is
wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
“I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You
know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are
so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay
the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone
could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real
estate.”
“I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all,
unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there
for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the
time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one
asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring
pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I
offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all
answered at about the same 50% rate.”
“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
“When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.”
“So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.”
And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the
motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our
family.”
“I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His
own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on
things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer
you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is
fucked up.”
“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
“Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger,
filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades.
Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the
best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on
the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect
from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in
any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his
all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy",
because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a
God, it has to be a man.
No woman could or would ever fuck things up
like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might
agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't
give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which
would explain a lot of these bad results.”
“It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. ”
“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.”
“Think of how it all started: America was founded by slave owners who
informed us, "All men are created equal." All "men," except Indians,
niggers, and women. Remember, the founders were a small group of
unelected, white, male, land-holding slave owners who also, by the way,
suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. To my mind, that
is what's known as being stunningly--and embarrassingly--full of shit.”
“We are a nation of sheep, and
someone else owns the grass.”
“You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only
occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not
causing any trouble.”
“I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and
has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer
culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But
the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't
care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless. ”
“Religion is just mind control. ”
“There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”
“But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a
new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever
more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down.
It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely
themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's
when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment,
it has a chance to grow.”
“Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.”
“Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
“It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the
small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in
order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think
that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class.
All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being
taught in all the other classes.”
“I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound
to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I
view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for
its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with
cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna
be all right.”
“And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your
prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy
Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what
He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place?
Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying
part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.”
“I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
“I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things
better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about
it the better.”
“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”
“Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason”
“It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.”
“The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing
if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a
safe distance, knowing I don't belong; it doesn't include me, and it
never has. no matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group.
Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club,
association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in
any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and
despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
“Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the
killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a
number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as
interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more
satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.
Me, I'm still
waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds
kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!”
“Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.”
“I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how
tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't
completely ignore.”
“If we could only find out who's in charge, we could kill him.”
“Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the
idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have
owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important
land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought
and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city
halls, they got the judges in their back pocket, and they own all the
big media companies so they control just about all of the news and the
information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend
billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we
know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for
everybody else. But I'll tell you what they don't want. They don't want a
population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want
well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking.
They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them.”
“This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state.
I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they
might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in
heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one
nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those
who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us
from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. ”
“Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose
their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost
all incentive because we've given them too much money.”
“Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”
“The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended.
The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to
cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are
intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed
directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at
institutions and symbols.”
“[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making
all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too?
It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the
1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in
German.”
“What exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what
you consider the non-free world. And I can't find a clear definition of
that, can you? Where is that? Russia? China? For chrissakes, Russia has
a better Mafia than we do now, and China is pirating Lion King DVDs and
selling dildos on the Internet. They sound pretty free to me. Here are
some more jingoistic variations you need to be on the lookout for; "The
greatest nation on Earth; the greatest nation in the history of the
world"; and "the most powerful nation on the face of the Earth." That
last one is usually thrown in just before we bomb a bunch of brown
people. Which is every couple of years.”
“The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an
individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when
you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your
humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never
do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of
it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your
allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls
you.”
“Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local
group and identifies with the species. But the election of Ronald
Reagan might've been the beginning of my giving up on my species.
Because it was absurd. To this day it remains absurd. More than absurd,
it was frightening: it represented the rise to supremacy of darkness,
the ascendancy of ignorance.”
“A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It
doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're
burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country
has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.”
“Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for
me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people
should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.”
“But there’s a reason. There’s a reason. There’s a reason for this,
there’s a reason education sucks, and it’s the same reason that it will
never, ever, ever be fixed. It’s never gonna get any better. Don’t look
for it. Be happy with what you got. Because the owners of this country
don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now, the real owners,
the big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the
important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put
there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.
You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything.
They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations.
They’ve long since bought and paid for the senate, the congress, the
state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets
and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all
of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls.
They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying, to get
what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for
themselves and less for everybody else, but I'll tell you what they
don’t want: They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical
thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable
of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help
them. Thats against their interests. Thats right. They don’t want people
who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table to figure out how
badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30
fucking years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They
want obedient workers. Obedient workers. People who are just smart
enough to run the machines and do the paperwork, and just dumb enough to
passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower
pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the
vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, and
now they’re coming for your Social Security money. They want your
retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their
criminal friends on Wall Street, and you know something? They’ll get it.
They’ll get it all from you, sooner or later, 'cause they own this
fucking place. It's a big club, and you ain’t in it. You and I are not
in the big club. And by the way, it's the same big club they use to beat
you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe.
All day long beating you over the head in their media telling you what
to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted folks.
The game is rigged, and nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care.
Good honest hard-working people -- white collar, blue collar, it doesn’t
matter what color shirt you have on -- good honest hard-working people
continue -- these are people of modest means -- continue to elect these
rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. They don’t give a
fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don't care about
you at all -- at all -- at all. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems
to care. That's what the owners count on; the fact that Americans will
probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick
that's being jammed up their assholes everyday. Because the owners of
this country know the truth: it's called the American Dream, because you
have to be asleep to believe it.”
―
George Carlin
“Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're
against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a
regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret;
"You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that."
Government wants to control information and control language because
that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game
they're in.”
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
“The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.”
“You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.”
“Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it
is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It
presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control
people's language with strict codes and rigid rules. I'm not sure that's
the way to fight discrimination. I'm not sure silencing people or
forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving
problems that go much deeper than speech.”
“I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this
country has squandered its promise. I think people in America sold out
very cheaply, for sneakers and cheeseburgers. And I don't think it's
fixable”
In 1942 there were 110,000 Japanese-American citizens, in good standing,
law abiding people, who were thrown into internment camps simply
because their parents were born in the wrong country. That's all they
did wrong. They had no right to a lawyer, no right to a fair trial, no
right to a jury of their peers, no right to due process of any kind. The
only right they had was...right this way! Into the internment camps.
Yeup, sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize
the government doesn't give a fuck about them. the government doesn't
care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or
your safety. it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. It's interested in
it's own power. That's the only thing...keeping it, and expanding
wherever possible.
“I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you
something about words that I think is important. Words are my work,
they’re my play. They’re my passion. Words are all we have really. We
have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. And, then we assign a word to a
thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful
with words. The same words that hurt can heal.”
“This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.”
“There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.”
“As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.”
